Fresh vs. frozen

And we're not talking veggies ...

I have a follow-up appointment with my RE tomorrow morning. I'm hoping the conversation about what's next will go more smoothly in person.

I've heard some explanations of why the RE is probably pushing for another fresh cycle vs. FET that made some sense (more than the reasons she gave me). One is that because I'm not getting any younger, they want me to do another fresh cycle while I'm still responding well to stims, which could change at any time. For that reason it's not bad to hang onto the frozen because if I keep at this for a while, these frozen embryos will be from my "younger" eggs. The other reason someone mentioned hanging onto the FEs is in case of m/c, you have some in the bank if you don't feel up to another full cycle right away.

Those are solid reasons. But I still think I may be someone who does better on an FET cycle because my body is more relaxed. I'm a needle-phobe, having to stick myself repeatedly and then get an IV for a surgical procedure. Nothing about that is very relaxing to me, though I made it through, and I'd probably be slightly less stressed the second time around.

The frozen embryos are in good shape, too, according to the lab; they were reached blastocyst stage and were frozen on Day 5, which means they were *not* slow growers, as my doctor said. One's a 4AB, other a 2AB.

I feel like if we try FET and there's trouble with the thaw or it just doesn't work, then we know. I can start another IVF fresh cycle feeling motivated to do so. I think I'm still leaning toward FET. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

No bueno

My beta was negative. I was pretty sure that would be the case, but still not fun to hear.

My RE called with the news, and asked if I was ready to do another IVF cycle. I said that I would, but that first I'd like to try an FET cycle with the 2 embryos we were able to freeze from this cycle. Then things got really weird ...

First she said, no, you should "bank" those, that I might want to have a second child later and I should save them for that. I said we need to get me pregnant with a first child before that scenario makes any sense at all. Then she said that *at my age* the embryos don't always thaw that well. I said that I was surprised to hear that, because vitrification, a new method of freezing embryos, has an excellent thaw rate and makes FET success rates much better than they used to be. She said, "I see you've done some reading" but said in her medical opinion, I should do another fresh IVF cycle. I said I'd need a few days to think about my next move.

Can someone please tell me what that was about??

She completely contradicted herself. First my embryos are good enough to save for that mythical second child (having a unicorn for a pet seems about as likely right now), then they aren't high enough quality to survive a thaw? I don't want to think it's about money for the practice. I'm wondering if she thinks by saying I want to do FET next that I'll never try IVF again? Because I was a pretty nervous first-time IVFer, I'll freely admit. (And ideally, FET would work and I wouldn't have to do another IVF.) But I will try IVF again if the FET wouldn't work.

To me it makes sense to give my ovaries a break this cycle but still feel like I'm trying by doing the FET. If that is not successful, then I can move on to another IVF cycle. I don't see the down side to that. I may call her back today and try to get to the bottom of what she's really trying to say.

Anyway, I went from feeling sad but semi-zen about the negative results to being agitated and angry. Yippee.

To pee, or not to pee ...

That was the question in my head all last night. Finally went out and bought HPT at about 9:30pm. I went ahead and did POAS this morning. The first one didn't work! Really?? Nothing happened in the control window, which apparently means the test did not work properly. Had the thought that maybe it's a sign that I should just wait for my beta. But I then read in the directions that if you're not testing especially early (and I'm 13dp3dt), you can test any time of day. So I tried again about 4 hours later. This time, it was a resounding "not pregnant." Certainly not the result I was hoping for ... but I'm keeping a sliver of hope alive that maybe it is too soon to be testing at any old random time of day, rather than first thing in the morning. But I'm bracing myself for my beta tomorrow ...

My ever-changing moods

That's the title of such an upbeat song by The Style Council (I'm dating myself here), but "upbeat" is not the mood I've been in of late. I think all the progesterone/Endometrin is really catching up with me; I feel ... volatile. Mood swings would be putting it mildly. Started the day OK -- it was sunny and warm, who can argue with that? I guess I can, because by noon I was feeling really gloomy about everything, not just IF. I had acupuncture today, and some of the points really, really hurt -- that doesn't usually happen. And it usually lifts my spirits a little but didn't much today. There's no easy way through this time -- guess you just have to gut it out and try to be kind to yourself.

Crazy dreams lately, too, including one last night where someone who I knew in my dream to be Gary Coleman was following me around a mall, trying to get me to give him a piggyback ride.

I'm taking Endometrin 3x/day, wondering if I'd jeopardize anything by just doing it 2x/day. Probably worth a call to the RE.

My beta isn't until 5/31 ... it's gonna be a l-o-n-g holiday weekend. I'm thinking about POAS, which I didn't do with any of my IUIs.

Congrats to C+C Baby Factory (living up to the name!) on her recent positive beta! Way to represent for the 40+ crowd!

I just found a video clip from Ever-Changing Moods on YouTube ... and it did cheer me up a little. I love (and miss) the '80s. I added the link in the first line if in need of a pick-me-up.

Embryos on ice

Got some good news today: Two of our embryos made it to Day 6 and were frozen! While I'd certainly prefer it if this cycle would take, it feels like a bit of insurance to have some on ice.

I've been crazy tired and draggy today. I did a little bit of weeding in the yard  -- maybe 20 minutes' worth -- and then had to lie down! Weeding is an OK 2ww activity, right?

Transfer student

I'm now officially in the 2ww portion of the cycle. I had my ET yesterday (Day 3), and they transferred 3 8-cell embryos, and are watching 3 others (1 8-cell, 2 6-cell) to see if they can be frozen. The transfer went smoothly enough, but today just feels, well, anticlimactic. I thought I'd be thrilled to have the shots and surgery portion of this behind me, and I am, but ...

Maybe in part it's because on Monday it looked like I was headed for a Day 5 transfer, but I got the call early on Day 3 saying we should do it that day. From what I can tell, it's not that my embryo quality took a nose-dive or that some stopped growing—I had 6 embryos that were considered to be growing "normally." I think my RE blinked; she was afraid, because of my age, to gut it out till Day 5. The embryologist told me that I was on the line—that I could have gone either Day 3 or Day 5. I've read so much about Day 3 vs. Day 5 transfer, from scholarly journal articles to forum posts, and to be honest, it still seems like a crapshoot as to which is best. So I went with my RE's advice. It would have been a stressful wait until Day 5, wondering how the embryos were doing. It was probably the right move, but Istill find myself thinking about it.

A sidenote: My RE can hardly get a sentence out without referencing my age. I know how old I am; I don't need her to tell me ALL THE TIME. By contrast, the RE in the same practice who was on call over the weekend and performed both my retrieval and the transfer just referenced how well I was doing, what good results I had—no mention of "good for my age." I can fill in the blanks on my own. I may say something to my RE, will try to keep it light, but really, stop talking about my age! It serves no purpose other than to make me feel bad. I sometimes wonder if it's to prepare me for if the cycle doesn't work. She's washing her hands of me before I even get there. Sorry, it's a gloomy day, feeling uncertain myself.

The egg report

ER is over, and although it's not something I want to do on a regular basis, it was manageable. Once the IV was in, I was golden. I woke up after the procedure feeling the most calm I have in weeks ... sedation has its perks! And the doctor told me that she'd retrieved 11 eggs -- 2 more than I thought she would find, so that's a happy thing, too. I was tired the rest of the day, and had cramps that felt like menstrual cramps, but really, it was not all that bad. I couldn't really nap when I got home because I was so excited to have ER behind me, but I slept like the dead for 12 hours last night.

Dr. called this morning and said that 9 of the 11 eggs fertilized. I was stunned, and actually cried a little out of relief. We'll see how they're doing tomorrow, but for today, it was good news.

Also good news: I'm done with the portion of IVF that involves needles. Woohoo! Now I'm taking Endometrin, which made me laugh last night when I opened up the package -- it's like a pill for your vagina! I wasn't expecting that -- had taken Crinone before and was expecting another creme. Anyway, it's all good when it doesn't involve needles.